The demons from my past flutter in and out of my present.
Demon are the days when waking up in the morning was the last thing I wanted to do. From entering the bus until I walked off the bus and out of earshot, life was misery.
Demon are the hours I cried, “Why me?” I wasn’t bad-looking. Skinny and full of pimples yes, but not ugly. I suppose once you were tagged it was hard to change.
Demon are the children that teased me. For years, these demons were an excuse for this or for that. But you know what? Demons are only in my brain. Memories cannot hurt me anymore because I can stuff them in a drawer and not let them. I can also make new ones.
At my 40th reunion this weekend, I met some of my old demons and discovered that they are just regular people. They probably had their own demons. Nobody teased me. They were pleasant, they were kind and I realized that they were just kids back then. I could feel my memories losing their hold. I replaced old, bad, wicked memories, with new, kinder, realistic ones.
Kids were mean, it was a survival game for sure. What did they get by teasing me that way? They got attention. They got fame. They rallied fear so they were in control.
Back then, nobody did anything about the bullies. Today, the trend is to stop the bullies.
But what of the victims? When you put a bully in detention you still need to find their victims and help.
There was nobody for me. Nobody that I thought could help, anyway. My friends, and I had but two or three, had the same problems as I. We were all in a sinking lifeboat. My mom, well I couldn’t tell her anything or she’d come blazing into the principal’s office, and that would make life worse.
I had my music. I didn’t realize it then, but I sunk my hurt into playing piano. I was a good technician and could play musically when I needed to.
Children need to be taught self awareness. They need to learn their limitations and their strengths. When a six year old soccer player that can’t play worth a dime gets a trophy just like everyone else, what have you taught him? If he didn’t get a trophy he’d have to learn to work harder for it or try something else.
A bullied child will see themselves as the taunts they are being hit with. “You dog!” was mine. I thought I was the ugliest and most worthless piece of shit in the world. It would have been nice if a teacher, instead of yelling at the bullies, would have said a simple, “Sonja, I love your hair today.” That would have done worlds for me.
Children need to be taught self-love. I hated myself and, for the first two years after college, did anything and everything that might damage me. I was looking for trouble to stop me because I was too cowardly to do it myself. I had tried.
Nobody is going to love you if you don’t love or at least like yourself. I liked to play pool because, as a girl (and don’t get started on the feminism thing, it was the early 80’s, women were still not “free”), I was pretty good. The guys enjoyed a good battle and I earned their respect. It was the respect which made me like myself. When I started liking myself, more people liked me.
Children need to be taught self-confidence. I credit my mother for this. The one statement she said to me when my sisters and I were selling Girl Scout cookies, was, “If you don’t ask you won’t’ get anything If you do ask, what is the worst they can do? Say no.”
While this didn’t help much in high school when I felt too ugly and hated myself, as I grew in self-awareness and self-love, it was the platform on which I built my life.
In a bar, on two separate occasions, I overheard people talking about an activity they were doing the next day. One was repelling down Cheat Rock in WV. The other was skinny dipping in the river. Both times, I asked, “Can I come?” and both times the answer was “Sure!” The experiences were thrilling! Certainly, none of my college friends did anything like that. I never would have had the experience had I not gotten the courage to ask. Yes, I know, they could have been robbers or rapists etc. etc. etc. but that’s not the point. The point is, you can apply this concept to trying to get a job.
Somehow, without anyone to shut the bullies up, or build me up, I survived on my own.
But many don’t have the models or experiences they need to learn these things. Some don’t have parents that lift them, give them skills to cope. Some don’t have anyone and wallow in despair.
Demons need to be stopped, but we need to spend more time with the victims. We need to teach the victims that there is good in them and help them find it. Teach them that they are worthy of love.
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